


thou, sun, art half as happy as we

by mearcats



Category: ER (TV 1994)
Genre: Abby is hurting and a little jealous, Discussions of C-section and Hysterectomy, Emotional Hurt, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Episode: s13e07, F/M, Love, Relationship Discussions, Romance, Smut, after Luka's perceived fawning over that nanny candidate
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-16
Updated: 2019-02-16
Packaged: 2019-10-29 09:17:18
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,794
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17805284
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mearcats/pseuds/mearcats
Summary: Outtake from 13.07: Jigsaw. Abby is upset, and Luka isn't entirely sure why.





	thou, sun, art half as happy as we

**Author's Note:**

> Should I have been doing other things today? Absolutely. But I couldn't concentrate on anything else until I got this out, and bonus? I'm no longer peeved at Luka.

Luka stretched out his arm to pull Abby closer, rousing when he found only the cool material of their sheets. He sat up and frowned. She’d clearly been gone a while, but he hadn’t heard anything on the monitor, so he wasn’t sure it was Joe. Of course, she always woke up quicker than he did, but still.

He got up and padded over to Joe’s room, trying to stay quiet in case she’d fallen asleep holding him in the rocking chair. It wouldn’t be the first time that had happened. But there Joe was in his crib, blissfully asleep, and Abby was still nowhere to be found. He frowned in earnest, worry prickling at his mind.

Then he heard it. It was a quiet thing, but it was unmistakable—someone was sniffling downstairs.

He made his way down as quietly as he could, stopping in his tracks at the sight of Abby curled up on their couch, sobbing into the throw pillow.

“Abby?” He rushed over to her, suddenly terrified. What had happened?

She started at the sound of his voice. He slid onto the couch and reached for her, his worry intensifying when she shrank away.

Doing his best to mask his hurt, he ran his hand through his hair and sat a few inches away from her instead. “What’s wrong?”

She sniffed and waved her hand at him. “I’m fine.”

He bit his lip and tentatively placed a hand on her shoulder, internally sighing with relief when she didn’t flinch or pull away. “Then what has you upset? It doesn’t seem fine if you’re out here crying.”

“I...it’s nothing to worry about. You can go back to bed,” she said, wiping at her cheeks.

“Are you going to come with me?”

Abby sighed. “Not tonight. Go on, it’ll be fine.”

Luka wasn’t sure that it was, and he was starting to panic. They didn’t sleep away from each other  _ever_  when they were both home, they hadn’t since a couple months before Joe was born. “Did I do something?”

She hesitated, and his heart sank. He had done something, he just didn’t know what. “Don’t worry about it, Luka.”

“Of course I’m worried! You can’t say that to me when you’re downstairs crying instead of in our bed. Just...tell me so I can fix it.”

To his horror, that brought on fresh tears. “Please, Abby. What?”

She curled up in on herself again, but let him pull her onto his lap while she wept. He wracked his brain for what idiotic thing he’d done now, but he was drawing a blank. He held her, rocking her back and forth as he tried to comfort them both.

“Did...did you like her?” she whispered, voice cracking with pain.

“Who,  _draga_?” His heart twisted, and he honestly couldn’t think of who she possibly meant.

“The nanny. The hot Brazilian one.”

Oh. Was that what this was about? Of course the woman had been attractive; he still had eyes, even if his heart was Abby’s. But he couldn’t remember her name, had forgotten her nearly immediately as she clearly wasn’t a suitable choice to take care of Joe. And surely Abby knew she was the only one for him, had been since that fateful night a year ago when they’d found their way back to each other. Maybe even since their first kiss, if he was honest with himself.

“Abby, no. I don’t even remember her name, and I obviously don’t want her watching Joe.”

“But did you want  _her_? In general? Because it sure seemed like it.” She was still in his arms, but she wouldn’t make eye contact, and she was fidgeting with her hands.

Luka was nonplussed. “No, not at all. She was pretty, but...I was joking with you. I thought you knew that.”

“It didn’t seem like a joke, and you were smiling at her. A lot. The way you used to stare at me.”

Used to? Did she seriously not see the way he looked her, always? Even more so now—somehow, she became more beautiful to him every day. “Sweetheart, it was a joke. I thought you thought it was funny too, how unsuitable she was and how a few years ago I would have made a fool of myself with someone like her.”

“That’s not helping, Luka.” She crossed her arms and slid off his lap.

He made himself still, though it killed him not to wrap his arm around her or place a hand on her thigh. It didn’t seem like she wanted his touch right now. “Do you think I’m going to do something like that now? When I have you and Joe?”

She bit her lip. “I don’t think you would,” she said, pausing before continuing in a desperate whisper, “but what if you wanted to?”

His heart broke for her, even as felt a flash of annoyance. Had he not shown her his devotion and love? But she was clearly hurt and worried, and he needed to reassure her. Getting off the couch, he lowered himself to the floor so he was kneeling in front of her. “Hey, I don’t, okay? I love you.” He wiped her tears, running his thumb over the delicate skin of cheek.

She leaned into his hand, but couldn’t seem to stop the flow of tears. “I’m sorry, I just—I’m—I don’t know. We’ve hardly slept together since Joe was born. Hell, we hardly see each other right now with our shifts, and you didn’t say anything about my haircut or the highlights I got last week.”

Luka reeled. He wasn’t really sure where to start. He took her face in both his hands and lowered it so he could press his lips to her forehead, then pulled back just enough that he could look at her. “I noticed, and you look beautiful. I thought I said something, but I clearly didn’t, and I’m sorry.”

He paused. “And I thought we were getting the nanny so we  _could_  spend more time together again. I miss you.”

She dropped her head. “Do you miss me like  _that_?”

He smiled. “So much. I just—I thought you were tired. And that you were still recovering and maybe didn’t want to.”

Abby scoffed. “You thought that I didn’t want to?  _How_?”

“I mean, Joe is wonderful, but we’re both so tired at the end of the day. And you healed so well, but you had a major surgery and I know it takes time, and sometimes women lose interest...”

“The hysterectomy.”

“And the C-section.  _God_ , Abby, you went through so much.”

She took his hands, settling them on her lap. She sighed, but otherwise remained quiet.

He bit his lip, then decided to broach the subject. “You don’t like it when I touch the scar from the C-section.”

She froze.

He waited as patiently as he could, brushing his thumb across her knuckles.

“It’s ugly,” she whispered.

He made a disbelieving sound. “Nothing about you is ugly,  _moja ljubavi_. Yes, you have a scar now, but it’s from being the bravest woman I’ve ever known, from bringing our beautiful son into the world.

Besides, if that’s it, then why do you pull away if I touch it even in the dark, when we’re lying in bed? Does it still hurt?”

Her face crumpled as she started crying again.

Luka wasn’t sure what to do. She didn’t seem to want to be held, but she was grabbing his hands tighter than before, and he  _hated_  seeing her hurting like this.

“It’s because that scar means I can’t have any more children, Luka. I love Joe so much, and he’s obviously worth it, but I...I know you wanted more kids. And I wanted to have more kids with you, and now I can’t. And I, um, I-I can’t help but worry that someday you’ll decide you want that again, because you’ve wanted it for so long. And I  _can’t_ , and I don’t want to lose you.”

He ached for her, felt himself getting choked up as he pulled her knuckles to his lips to press a lingering kiss to them.

“Oh, Abby,” he murmured, voice breaking. “Abby...I-I—yes, I wanted more children, and if the universe wasn’t as cruel as it is, maybe we would have had more. But...I only want those children with you, eh? I’m so glad we have Joe, but even if we didn’t—you’re still the only woman I want, the only woman I’ll ever want. I love you, and—I, well, you’re it for me. Since Danijela died, you’re the only woman who has had my heart, and if something happened to you, I wouldn’t survive it.”

She was staring at him, eyes wide. Her tears had stopped, though they were still visible on her cheeks. Her shock melted quickly into something softer but no less fierce and intense and consuming. Abby tugged their hands, pulling him up so that his head rested on her shoulder. “Nothing’s going to happen to me, I promise.”

He drew in a shuddery breath as he buried his head in her chest. “I know, and I’m sorry I made you feel like I didn’t want you for  _you_. You...you’re my everything, and I would give anything to keep you safe and close.”

Abby sighed and extracted her hands so she could run one through his hair. “I love you, too.” She was hoarse, but she sounded better already.

He breathed in her comforting, clean scent, dropping his hand to her hip. “If you let me convince you, I’d be happy to tell the world how much I love you, maybe in some sort of ceremony.”

Her chest shook, though her laugh was still a little watery. He felt the pressure of her lips on the top of his head, though she said nothing, and he was content to sit here with her like this.

“Get up off the floor, your knees have to be killing you,” she said a few minutes later.

“I’m fine.”

She snorted, and Luka internally whooped at how she seemed happier again. “With your head on my chest? I’m sure you are.”

“I’m glad you understand my point of view,” he teased.

“You’re ridiculous.”

He nodded, pulling his head up so he could meet her eyes. “But I’m yours.”

She smiled that little smile he loved so much, the one that nearly took his breath away every time. He couldn’t stand it anymore; he kissed her deeply, reaching up to tangle one hand in her hair.

“If...if you want, I could show you how very yours I am,” he said when they finally pulled apart.

“What did you have in mind?” If the suddenly wicked gleam in her eye was any indication, she had a pretty good idea what he meant.

Luka nosed along her ear, nipping at her lobe. He smiled at her gasp, and whispered, “Me showing you that all of me is yours, to do what you want with, however you want.”

She shuddered in his embrace. “What if I want everything?”

“Like I said, I’m yours.”

She bit her lip. “Show me. Make me feel like I’m the most beautiful woman you’ve ever seen.”

“You are, so that won’t be difficult,” he said, bringing his lips back to hers. He was content to kiss her a few minutes longer until she was sighing in his arms, then he trailed his lips over her perfect jawline.

“Shouldn’t we move this to the bedroom?”

“I was thinking here is good.”

“Eager, are you?”

“Always, for you,” he replied honestly.

Abby smiled and lifted her chin, giving him space to lavish attention on her neck. She reached for one of the buttons on her shirt and he slapped her hand away gently. “Let me.”

“Okay.”

He made short work of her pajama top, tossing it aside. He stared at her naked chest, her stomach, feeling that familiar awe that she let him see her like this, let him have _her_. “Have I ever told you that I love your breasts?”

She giggled. “Not in so many words, but I had gotten that idea, yeah.”

“Well, I do.” He reached out to tug on her pajama pants, even as he took one of her nipples between his teeth.

Moaning, she arched up into his mouth. It had the added benefit of making it even easier to pull her pants off, and he felt some satisfaction at realizing she wasn’t wearing any underwear that he’d have to contend with. “They’re perfect. The way they fit in my hands,” he said, punctuating his words by cupping and squeezing them, pinching her nipples lightly, “the way you blush when you want me to touch them. Everything.”

“Not too small?”

Luka met her eyes, kissed her forehead, her nose, and finally her lips again. “No. Perfect.”

“Hmm, then I guess you should show me.”

He did, kissing, biting, and licking until she was writhing on the couch. Finally, he dragged his lips down her torso, down to the long scar on her lower abdomen. “Is it still sensitive?”

She blinked down at him, clearly dazed. “Huh? Oh, the scar. Um, a little?”

“I know you don’t like it, but to me it’s a part of you, and part of our story. And that makes it beautiful,” Luka said, bringing his fingertips to graze the length of it. He continued to caress the taut, pink line of skin, even as he dropped his lips to her right thigh.

When he switched to the left thigh, he looked up from between her legs. Her eyes were blown wide, her mouth open in anticipation.

Well, he couldn’t leave her waiting too long. They’d had enough of that in their relationship.

Luka lowered his lips to her, and her moan echoed throughout the room. He drank her in, relishing the sounds of her pleasure as he kissed her. She buried her hands in his hair, pulling gently as he licked into her. He reached up with his hands, kneading at her breasts.

He didn’t relent when she cried out, her legs shakings as she went over the edge. He didn’t stop until Abby tugged his hair, whispering his name.

Taking in her heaving chest, the light sheen of sweat covering her, he smiled.

“Come here, I want you,” she said.

“Are you sure?” he asked, pushing himself up off the floor.

At her nod, he made quick work of his own pajamas. They adjusted themselves on the couch, then he braced himself above her, sliding into her as she hitched her legs around his hips.

They moved together in that familiar dance, a slow, tender thing that he never tired of. When they finally came together, he collapsed on top of her, careful not to crush her.

They laid there together for a while until Abby broke the peaceful silence with a giggle. “Not to kill the mood, but I’m worried about the leather of the couch, so we should probably clean up.”

He chuckled into her hair before groaning and pushing himself up. “You stay there, I’ll take care of it. Then we can go to bed, if you want.”

He hurried to the bathroom and returned with towels, gently cleaning Abby up before wiping down the couch. She tugged on her pajama pants but pulled on his shirt, unable to find hers. He shrugged, though he did pull on his pajama pants.

“Ready?” she asked.

“Mmmhmm,” he said, lowering his hand to the small of her back.

They made their way upstairs to their bedroom together, then flopped into bed. He reached out and pulled her into his arms so that she was lying half on top of him, squeezing one firm ass cheek.

“Hey, stop that. It’s time to sleep. We’re already going to be exhausted tomorrow morning.”

“Just wanted to make sure you know I appreciate all of you.”

Abby propped herself up smiled at him. “I know. And...thank you.”  She brushed her lips across his, and fell back onto the bed. “ _Volim te_.”

Luka bolted upright in surprise and delight. “Learning Croatian?”

“Mmhmm. Gotta know what you’re saying when you’re muttering curses or whispering sweet nothings to me.”

God, he loved her. “ _I ja tebe volim_.”

“That’s…’I love you too?’”

“Yes. And I do.”

Her smile was sleepy. “Good night, Luka.”

“Good night, my love.” He would do his best to make sure she always knew how much he adored her, for as long as she let him. Hopefully, the rest of their lives. Sighing in contentment, he felt his eyelids getting heavy as he finally gave in to slumber.


End file.
